Booher BanterBusiness Communication Consultant

Everybody does it. But not a lot of people do it well. Yet it’s really not all that complicated. You lock hands; you drop hands. But two people can communicate a great deal that way: A handshake can say, “I trust you.” “I don’t trust you.” “I like you.” “I don’t like you.” “I fear you.” “I can crush you.” “I’m nervous.” “I’m confident.” “I’m cocky.”

What does yours say? If you meet new people frequently, it’s worth evaluating. Your handshake at a networking event, during a job interview, on a sales call, or at a social event can start the relationship off right—or ruin your best chance of ever connecting on a deeper level.

The normal handshake involves grasping another person’s hand firmly, holding it so that both palms are parallel, giving the hand two to four pumps, and then releasing it. Variations on this normal handshake are negative, ranging from noticeably negative to nerve-wracking.

The Dead-Fish: (Offering limp, lifeless fingers for someone to try to grasp and shake) Both genders give the dead-fish handshake. Often men who otherwise give a strong handshake to another man offer a dead-fish handshake to a woman—as if her hand might break should someone grasp it firmly.

The Macho-Man: (Offering the vice-grip and applying pressure as if you’re in a competitive contest to bring others to their knees with cracked bones) Again, the macho-man handshake is as often delivered by women as men. The point? Maybe she’s communicating, “I’m as tough as any man; I can take it and I can give it. Try me.”

The Lover’s Clasp: (Covering their hand with both of yours as if the beginning of …. what?) This “clasp” handshake reminds me of elderly people about to reminisce about the days when they walked 10 miles to school in the snow uphill both ways—and all for the love of spending more time with you.

The Dominator: (Clasping their hand and then twisting the palms so that your hand actually rests on top with theirs on the bottom) For added dominance, some people push the hands toward the other person’s stomach, giving themselves the real “upper hand.” They’re trying out for the next Terminator movie maybe?

The Double-Grab: (Grabbing the other’s hand in a normal way, but with the second hand, grabbing the receiver’s wrist, or elbow, or upper arm, or shoulder) These “grabs” suggest intimacy and possessiveness that may offend. People don’t know whether to start rumors or just blush and walk away.

Do handshakes matter? An acquaintance of mine, a former secret service agent who stands 6’3” and weighs more than 200 pounds tells about a conversation he once had with a union business agent: “The guys like you, but you have a weak handshake. They respect a firm handshake.” In his line of work, a conversation like that will get your attention.

Avoid getting a relationship off on the wrong foot with a handshake that communicates louder than your words about your personality, intentions, and attitude.

Dianna Booher, an expert in effective communications, founded Booher Consultants in 1980.  Dianna has written more than forty books in the fields of business communication and productivity.  As a high-caliber keynote speaker who inspires audiences worldwide, Dianna delivers focused programs to address specific communication challenges.

Want to find out more? Connect with Dianna on Facebook and follow on Twitter.

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Posted at 6:43am in Communication—Interpersonal | Permalink | 2 Comments |

The volatility in the stock market during the past few weeks—along with the pundits on TV—reminds me of the Chicken Little fable. Just in case you’ve forgotten this classic, let me refresh you: One day, Chicken Little is walking in the woods when an acorn falls on her head. “Oh, my goodness!” she says, “The sky is falling! I must go tell the king.” On the way to the palace, she meets Henny Penny going into the woods to hunt for berries. “Oh no, don’t go!” she says, “I was just there, and the sky was falling! Come with me to tell the king.” So Henny Penny follows her.

They follow along until they meet Cocky Locky, who was going into the woods to hunt for seeds. “Oh no, don’t go!” says Chicken Little. “I was just there, and the sky was falling! Come with me to tell the king.” So Cocky Locky follows her and Henny Penny.

They follow along until they meet Turkey Lurkey going into the woods to look for berries. Same drill.

Finally, they meet up with Foxy Woxy, who asks where they’re going. Same warning from the feathered friends. But instead of following Chicken Little, Foxy Woxy says, “I know a shortcut to the palace.” Rather than the palace, he leads them to the entrance of the foxhole, where he plans to gobble them for dinner.

Just as they are about to enter, the king’s hunting dogs rush up growling and howling. They chase the fox away and save Chicken Little and her other fine-feathered friends. The smart king gives her an umbrella to carry for future walks in the woods.

So what’s the moral of this fable? Consider the credibility gap the next time Chicken Little warns colleagues about impending danger.

People shy away from those who jump to conclusions without checking the facts and who worry rather than weigh options. Worry leads to poor judgment and hasty overreactions. Nor are people attracted to those who practice hand-wringing and preach doom and gloom. A message of despair goes against human nature and the need to hope for the best.

Mature optimism is a cornerstone of healthy living. So when you’re habitually communicating that “the sky is falling,” people draw the conclusion that you’re overwhelmed, unprepared, and incapable of dealing with situations. None of which leads to building your credibility.

That said, neither do people subscribe to the Emperor-Has-No-Clothes philosophy.

When a serious situation develops, leaders do not resort to pep talks and platitudes, pretending that all is well. Leaders know that words shape thought. They provide healthy diets of hope while acknowledging a negative situation. All change—personal or organizational—begins by seeing reality and then creating a vision to improve upon it.

So in the midst of bad news, keep in mind these three guidelines:

1. Acknowledge the Truth

If the economy is free-falling, say so. If sales are sinking, say so. If your team is performing poorly, own up to the numbers. If the organization looks lousy beside the competition, come clean about the market feedback.

Nothing opens people’s minds and raises their estimation of your credibility like admitting the truth—and nothing decreases your credibility like ignoring the obvious or blaming, demonizing, or scapegoating others. You understand how pathetic that makes politicians look if you’ve ever heard them try to explain away election results after a dramatic loss or listened to CEOs try to explain away poor earnings after failure to achieve their goals.

Small people run from responsibility. Strong people shoulder it.

2. Stop Sugarcoating the Unknown and Unknowable

“You’ll do fine!” “Everything’s going to be fine—just wait and see.” “It’ll all work itself out. It always does.” Such are the assurances parents give their kids. You expect them and even appreciate them—at age thirteen. But to an adult hearing such platitudes from bosses, colleagues, or friends who could not possibly know the future and how a situation will actually turn out, the remarks sound empty, if not insulting to our intelligence.

That’s not to say you can’t offer comforting words. You can and should. But to be helpful and consoling, they should be the right words. Strive to get past the clichés and all-will-be-well platitudes to meaningful comments that comfort and help. Leaders can acknowledge that they don’t have all the answers. Most important, they feel powerful enough to sustain people with their presence rather than empty promises of “all will be well.”

3. Focus on Options

In a negative situation, leaders focus others on positive alternatives and actions with the power of their words. If you’re communicating about a tanking economy, the alternative may be to encourage listeners to change investment strategies. If you’re communicating to comfort employees after personal property destruction because of a weather-related disaster, you may encourage them to consider rebuilding in another area. If you’re announcing a layoff––in addition to communicating concern––you may focus them on the option of new training or maybe contacts to start their own company.

To increase your credibility in a bad-news situation, ditch a down-in-the-mouth demeanor. Become a thought leader with helpful straight talk about the substantive issues.

Dianna Booher, an expert in effective communications, founded Booher Consultants in 1980.   As a high-caliber keynote speaker who inspires audiences worldwide, Dianna delivers focused programs to address specific communication challenges.

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Posted at 8:06pm in Communication—Interpersonal | Permalink | Add Comment » |

What’s the ONE phrase common to almost every résumé or transmittal?  “Excellent communication skills.”   Of course, you’ll read variations from time to time:  “excellent verbal skills,”  “exceptional writing and presentation skills,”  “excellent oral, written, and interpersonal skills.”  But you get the idea.

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Posted at 7:44pm in Communication—Interpersonal | Permalink | Add Comment » |

“Could I buy you lunch? I’d like to bounce a few ideas off you.” It’s a question that frequently throws successful entrepreneurs, executives, and salespeople into a tailspin of indecision. On the one hand, these people stand at the top of their game because they make productive use of their day, often foregoing leisurely lunches or dinners to make another phone call, write another sales proposal or article, or visit another client. Yet they enjoy networking and pride themselves on lending a helping hand to their colleagues.

Thus, the Hamlet-like quandary: to go or not to go? To accept or not to accept the meal invitation that quite possibly can turn into a 2- or 3-hour event in an already crowded day, week, or month?

So how do you communicate a willingness to be of service to colleagues while also meeting your own scheduled deadlines and projects? (Of course, you always want to be available to close friends. That’s what friendship is all about. But we’re talking about acquaintances here and even complete strangers who want to pick up the lunch tab in exchange for advice.)

Here are a few tips you might find helpful in walking that fine line between being available to serve and yet keeping your own work on track:

1. Clarify expectations: Determine what kind of advice or help the person wants: Free or fee? Friend or professional advisor? Callers to my office generally come in two categories—colleagues from my professional associations who want to talk to me about book writing or publishing or friends of friends of colleagues calling for me to help them write an important proposal, letter, email, résumé, or marketing piece. So our screening question to set expectations is this: “Yes, Dianna, can help you with that? What kind of appointment did you need—an hour or longer?” This sets the expectation that these are topics that clients pay a consulting fee to discuss. If they really are a friend or acquaintance—as opposed to a poser––they quickly clarify with “No, I just have a couple of quick questions.”

2. Accept those you can help with delight: After the initial screen, the decision is yours about how many hours a week or month you can devote to “going to lunch” or “having an early breakfast” with friends and colleagues you can truly serve by providing advice or feedback. The expectation is set that your time is limited and the time together is your gift to them; rarely will someone take advantage of your gracious offer of free advice, ideas, and time at this point.

3. Make the meeting convenient to you—not them. I can’t tell you the number of times someone has called to ask for free advice, and I’ve agreed to meet with them either in person or on the phone. Then they’ve insisted that we meet at their convenience! With my hectic travel and writing schedule, I frequently suggest an evening meeting or a weekend call. Often, the person will respond, “Well, never mind. I try not to schedule anything outside of office hours. I have a family.” Dare I explore the idea of commitment here?

4. Suggest the best medium for the communication: Does the discussion have to be in person? Can they write up their idea, send it to you ahead of time for reflection, and then you respond by email? Will a phone call do just as well—possibly conferencing in those who will have to implement plans that you advise them to put in place?

5. Keep them focused: Dive into the conversation with, “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I help you?” “Tell me about your plans?” “Your call roused my curiosity—give me the bottom-line and then we’ll work backward for the details we need.”

6. Frame the time limit: You can communicate your available time with words: “I have about 15 minutes—how can I help?” You can communicate this limit with actions by scheduling the discussion to butt up against another call, meeting, flight, or end of the workday. Or you can communicate your availability with the setting: “Looks like they’re ready to lock the lobby. I guess we need to wind things up here.”

7. Remember that YOU decide where to invest your time and energy: Once you’ve decided which people you want to invest your time with, do so joyfully. Then you can turn down others without guilt, knowing you’re not saying “no” but rather saying “yes” to those who respect your time and who’ve shown commitment to take action on the information and advice you’ve provided.

A few weeks ago, a member of my professional association whom I’d never met emailed to ask if she could buy me lunch or dinner at our upcoming annual meeting in Anaheim. I responded affirmatively and suggested lunch the day of my arrival—about 2 hours after my plane landed.

She replied to my email with this note: “Could we make it any other lunch or dinner during the four days? If your plane is late and you arrive just in time for your first meeting at 3:15, we may not have time for our lunch. I will be flying in from Chicago just to meet with you. I’m not staying for the conference.”

Now that’s commitment!

I offered to schedule a phone call the following week to “bounce ideas” rather than have her fly half way across the country. These are the kind of people I love to serve. And it didn’t even cost her lunch.

Dianna Booher, an expert in effective communications, founded Booher Consultants in 1980.  Dianna has written more than forty books in the fields of business communication and productivity.  As a high-caliber keynote speaker who inspires audiences worldwide, Dianna delivers focused programs to address specific communication challenges.

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Posted at 9:00am in Communication—Interpersonal | Permalink | 1 Comment |

I had a conversation with Tom, a seasoned CEO of a Houston engineering firm, 30 years ago as I started my training and consulting business. In response to my request for advice as a neophyte, he said, “Your biggest challenge will never be technical know-how, marketing, or the competition. It will always be finding good people—those who are competent, but who also have common sense, and can get along with other people. Finding competence is easy. The other two—those are rare!”

According to the latest studies that keep popping up, finding that last component may still be rare.

One of these studies that recently landed in my inbox atop the pile of similar ones suggests the same conclusion: Interpersonal skills will contribute more to one’s career success—or downfall—than technical know-how, academic credentials, or experience.

This particular study, done by the Institute for Executive Development and Alexcel, an alliance of executive coaches and talent management consultants, is based on an online study and in-depth interviews with 320 executives and talent professionals from a variety of companies and industries.

After the second year on the job, 27 percent of the senior executives hired from outside the organization had left their new jobs. Of those transferred or promoted inside the organization, 23 percent had left their new position by their second year on the job.

Reason given for their poor performance? Lack of interpersonal skills, cited in 75 percent of the cases.

What are ten tell-tale signs that weak interpersonal skills may be wreaking havoc among your staff members and even driving away your customers?

* People hide behind their computers and email or text each other rather than talk face to face or on the phone—even when talking would be the most expedient way to make decisions and get things done.

* One or two vocal people dominate meetings; others fail or fear to speak up and contribute to the discussion.

* Gossip and rumors run rampant throughout the organization.

* The blame game is everyone’s favorite sport. “Gotchas” start each new round most mornings.

* People seldom ask questions but complain about lack of feedback.

* Facial expressions look tense, tempers flare easily, and emotions frequently appear to be inappropriate for the situation at hand.

* People seldom linger to chat with colleagues in the common areas (cafeteria, hallways, lobby) but rather they huddle in out-of-the-way nooks and crannies.

* Everyone complains about “politics” around the office.

* Retention becomes a growing problem. Exit interviews fail to provide the typical reasons for departure (better pay, better job, change in personal circumstances).

So if these symptoms sound familiar and suggest a problem around your workplace, what’s a leader to do?

Certainly, the answer is not just transferring misfits into other jobs or assigning them to other teams or projects around your organization. As the study indicates, things don’t improve with a new assignment; these people with the weak interpersonal skills are taking their problems with them.

As with any other skills gap, create awareness, communicate the change you expect, coach for improvement, gain commitment for change, and model the path. Then let the results dictate the outcome.

Dianna Booher, an expert in effective communications, founded Booher Consultants in 1980.  Dianna has written more than forty books in the fields of business communication and productivity.  As a high-caliber keynote speaker who inspires audiences worldwide, Dianna delivers focused programs to address specific communication challenges.

Contact Booher Consultants, Inc. for additional information.

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Posted at 10:44am in Communication—Interpersonal | Permalink | Add Comment » |