A Perfectly Understandable Misunderstanding: Assume Positive Intent
“You’re so critical,” one husband said to his wife after a long silence as they drove home from the party.
Taken back, his wife asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I was just thinking that you’re so critical to our entire family. I don’t know how the kids, or my parents, or any of us could get along without you.”
This conversation comes from Cracking the Communication Code, an excellent book by Dr. Emerson Eggerich on how couples can figure out what each is asking for with the words they use.
I remember a similar “discovery” discussion between my daughter and me several years ago. It went something like this:
Lisa: Why do you always refer to me as a child psychologist when you introduce me or write about me in one of your books?
Me: What do you mean?
Lisa: My master’s degree is called “Childhood Specialist.”
Me: Well, I guess that’s why—I never remember the official title. You have a psychology degree and you specialize in children. Childhood Specialist is so vague—that could refer to a kindergarten teacher or a daycare worker or a babysitter. I’m proud of you and want everybody to know you’re a well-educated psychologist.
Lisa: Oh. (She looked a little sheepish.) I guess I should’ve asked a long time ago.
I can’t help wondering how many colleagues and neighbors would stay out of court if one or the other would ask—and listen—to the real meaning of the words and their context before interpreting the message.
How many business partnerships would continue peacefully rather than fracture if one or the other person would clarify exactly what the other wanted out of the deal rather than assume objectives and intent based on hastily spoken words, emails, or letters? How many politicians would still be in office if given a chance to explain their meaning for a statement before the press grabbed it and garbled it?
Make “assume positive intent” a motto in your communication approach. When the words seem contradictory, upsetting, confusing, or offensive, assume the other person has goodwill toward you. Probe, listen, clarify, and ask for or provide information before drawing conclusions. A relationship may depend on it.
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