Booher BanterBusiness Communication Consultant

Recently, a reader wrote because he was concerned about his style and wanted to change its effect on others and the resulting consequences for himself:

Dear Dianna:

I would like to learn to improve or change my demeanor, intonations, mannerisms and style of communication.

I received some feedback that I need to be “softer,” maybe less declarative and brash.  I have been asked on a number of occasions over the years if I am ex-military.  I am kind and good-hearted and I don’t ever want to sound condescending or harsh.  I have no desire to offend anyone.  I suppose my straightforwardness doesn’t come across the way I intend.

Do you have any courses that would address this issue?  I am articulate and intelligent, but I want to have a different presentation that draws people in.

Thank you.
Don

Now before a number of military people become offended about the label “ex-military communication style” in the title of this blog:  Off the top, let me say that my husband is an Army colonel, and I have great respect and appreciation for those who serve in our military.  Certainly, there’s a need for aggressive, direct communication in the military!  We’d be in a heap of trouble without it.

Generally, what people mean with that stereotypical label comes from the movies or from first-hand experience in boot-camp!  Typically, they’re describing speakers or communication characterized by the following:

• Direct, to-the-point
• Non-emotional, detached
• Loud
• Forceful
• Prompt (in responding to questions)
• Decisive (in charge)
• Commanding, demanding, telling (not asking)
• Declarative statements (not questions)
• Rigid body language (at attention)
• Blank, non-expressive facial expression

All good and necessary things to accomplish military missions.  But this body language and some of these habits don’t work so well for interactions and goals outside the military.

People use an overly aggressive, harsh communication style inappropriately either because they are 1) unaware of that style, or 2) aware of the style but don’t know how to change it, or 3) unconcerned about how they come across to others.

Don’s email makes a very important point:  Someone’s communication style certainly does NOT always convey or reveal their heart or intentions. He sounds like a sincerely nice person with a great desire for self-improvement—and the appropriate humility to make changes.  I’d say that makes for a perfect combination.

Here are a few tips I suggest to “soften” an aggressive communication style to come across the way you intend in everyday interactions:

• Consider whether you could accomplish the same purpose with a question as with a command.
  Use questions to lead others to rethink their ideas rather than always using declarative statements.  People prefer discovering their own errors and gaps in logic rather than always having someone else point them out.
• Consider your purpose for a comment.  Often you can better accomplish your purpose—and improve the relationship—with an “I wonder if… or “what-if…” tone when offering a suggestion or feedback as opposed to an “I know so” tone.
• Pay attention to the intensity of your facial expression, particularly your eyes and your mouth.  Many people have a stern demeanor when they intend to have only a firm look.  Add a smile occasionally—with your eyes as well as with your mouth.
• Consider lowering the volume when you speak.  Be firm, audible, and clear, of course. But remember that people associate a loud volume with aggressiveness.
• Follow the subjects that others introduce rather than frequently changing the subjects that others introduce.
• Leave a little space between when others finish a comment or question before you begin.  Avoid “stepping on” their words.
• Avoid a rapid or staccato speaking rate, which is often perceived as an expression of anger.
• Be careful about invading others’ space.  If people tend to back away as you speak, you’re sitting or standing too close.
• Pay attention to your gestures.  Use upward, open gestures.  Avoid pointing fingers and downward gestures.

The key to successful human relations rests with your ability to flex your communication style to forge stronger relationships with a broader band of people.

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