Conversation as a Competitive Exercise
With some people I get the distinct feeling that any discussion, no matter the topic, is a sparring event. Take this discussion I recently had with a PR firm I’d called to ask about handling an upcoming project. The opening minute or so of our discussion went like this:
"What kind of campaign do you recommend to accomplish my goals?" I asked. "Can you outline your approach?"
"I can handle print and radio for a reasonable budget," she answered.
"What approach do you think the project warrants—do you think print and radio is the best way to go?" I probed.
"Depends on your goals," she said.
"Well, I mentioned my goals earlier: to keep my company’s name in the news to generate training leads."
"We can’t do that for a limited budget," she said.
"I haven’t mentioned a budget."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I haven’t mentioned money at all."
"You asked me if I could do a print and radio campaign for you."
"No. I asked what kind of approach or campaign you recommended to accomplish my goals. You’re the PR expert—I wanted to know your thoughts."
"Well, I can’t make a recommendation until you give me more information."
"Okay. What else do you need to know?"
"You started out asking me to give you a price and approach before I know what you want."
"No, I haven’t yet mentioned money. I’ve just stated my goals for the campaign. I began by asking for your recommendation to accomplish my goals so that I COULD set a budget."
Fortunately, the woman on the other end re-thought the conversation to that point and where it was headed, apologized for her argumentative tone, and moved into questioning and listening mode. She asked a few follow-up questions about my goals and then gave me her thoughts on the best approach. Eventually, we came to a pleasant agreement on the best course of action.
But the whole interaction reminded me of other conversations. For many people in far too many environments and relationships, conversation has become a competitive exercise. They don’t engage in conversation to listen. They don’t engage to understand. They engage to win. As a result, both lose and walk away as enemies.
Tell me about some of your verbal "sparring partners" and how you handled the situation.
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